hello. :)

moved here from an old journal. my entries are either viewable by me or by everyone.

there's not much happy in my posts. those are shared with friends and ultimately so overdone that i don't feel like writing about it. so excuse the badly written emo thoughts that i can't find anyone to share with. :(

This week sucked majorly. I planned on doing three things one way, but everything basically got ruined. Like getting lost, having to reschedule, or having no room. Prolly doesn't sound that bad, but wandering for hours in the cold, having to take a useless trip wasting a few bucks and about two or three hours of your time, having the most convenient and profitable job taken away... it's not fun at all. None of them are worth my time... I don't know why I'm doing it. To keep myself busy, to collapse from being so tired, just so I won't think of you. I think of you less and less all the time, but when something happens that would upset me, that does not get less and less at all.

If only I could make everything what it was originally supposed to be, then I'd be fine right now.

I hate that that boy is a major asshole, but he's so freaking good looking. And I had to dance in front of him and I kept messing up, and I'm not a dancer at all. =/

I wish I could move my body like some of the girls I'm dancing with.

I wish I could make friends easier.

I wish I didn't have to lie to my roommates so they wouldn't realize how stupid I am, and tell me that it's all not worth it.

I wish I were back in high school.

Maybe next week will be better...

how can you not think about the times we had together? i think about them so much and i try so hard not to. i tell myself to stop and bring myself to think about clothes or shopping, things i need, goals i want to fulfill.

but you don't even need to make an effort to not think about it.

do you really not think about me?

am i that unmemorable?

i'm better now... but that's only because nothing is happening. if something did happen, it'd upset me as much as it would upset me a week ago, or a month, or half a year ago. is this ever going to stop?

this time it's for real.

no more talking to you anymore.

and i'm not gonna cry over you. not gonna waste my time over you. you don't deserve me. not when you can't even be my friend.

i really want to be mad. so my tears won't spill. it's been a bit over a week since i've seen you, so maybe i can last forever. because this time i really want to.

but...

i want to tell you. yell at you. make you feel guilty.

every time i don't talk to you for a while, this... feeling starts building up in my chest. it's hate. and it manifests and takes over my heart, blinds my brain, impairs every organ in my body. and once i talk to you again, i shiver. talk to you until it stops. the shivering, the loss of control, the hate.

no... this time i have to learn to go on without the temporary antidote. :)

i'm so stupid. the person who's hurt me the most is you. not even my first boyfriend or any of the guys i've liked have hurt me as much. and i let you back in my life twice. i should have stopped the first time. the second time was the stupidest choice i've ever made. and now that i'm talking to you, i feel like it's inevitable to escape the end of you and me.

i don't look forward to it. it sucks that i can anticipate it, but i can't just give up.

first semester is over. i got three A- and an A in math, so right now gpa's a 3.77.
it's not good enough.
i messed up on finals week.
i could have pretty much gotten A's in all my classes if i actually studied all the material during finals week. -.-
i'm pretty much waiting for one grade, which i'm pretty sure is going to be in the B range.
gah...

at least i'm home now.

i miss my roommates a lot tho. they're hilarious, and i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have been able to get along better with anyone other than those two. i miss sitting on each other's beds and making fun of each other, having people to always talk to.

at home, it's really lonely.

blahh, i can't even properly finish this blog. i just wanna submit it, but i'm not done with all the thoughts in my mind. maybe when i'm in a better writing mood.

i feel so incredibly stupid.

today was awesome. i laughed so much :) but then just thinking about you kills me. it's like i'm relapsing every single second.

i wish i never fell for you.

there's never going to be a you and me. never. never never never. you've already said that you think of me as a friend. only as a friend.

it sucks that i only wanted to be friends first. and i couldn't say yes to going out with you. now look at me.

i think... i'm just physically lonely. i just want to hold your hand and kiss you. but when i talk to you over IM i almost think of you as a girl. there are so many people i can't imagine slash i'm repulsed by hand holding and kissing. i've only wanted to do that to two people, even though in high school i liked three. that's why i like you so much.

i think when i start to like someone else i'm gonna get over you really fast. like a thousand percent sure. but i can't see that happening anytime soon...

i hate the boys in my college. i hate boys in general actually.

I can't do this anymore. I need to make this stop. But I can't do that either.

Why am I so pathetic?

Wow, I'm a crazy bitch.

I can't believe things like this still get me upset, that I can't believe anything you say anymore. I hate that I'm happy you haven't been online lately, that you're not in the library talking to that girl that you emphasized to me, with good reason, that you only thought of her as a friend. I hate that you're an hour away, that we're not going out, but you're the most important thing to me.

I hate that. I hate that my day was rated a 7 out of 10, which is pretty good for my standards.

I hate that after getting upset, my day is now a 4 out of 10.

I hate it. I hate that you dictate my mood. This isn't fair. I need to learn to be stronger.

If only I didn't have to learn. If only I could be naturally strong.

sigh.

i'm never falling in love again. no more heart breaks. i'm gonna be so careful; i will not like the guy so much.

because my heart fucking hurts. and i've only felt this one other time in my life. but now i know why it's called a heartache, a heartbreak. because when your heart tightens and you're asphyxiated for a brief two seconds, and you can't fucking breathe, that's your heart breaking right there.

and you can't make the person love you back. can't make him miss you the way you miss him. want to see and stay with you as much as you do. and after you've given him everything, your trust, your heart, your hand, it's worse when he tries to accept them, tries not to make your heart so mangled and twisted and maybe give you back some semblance of dignity after a few pathetic attempts at... doing something you have no idea what you're doing.

and thinking about it after waking up at 5 in the morning. i don't want to be lovesick. i hate you. i really do.

'cause i knew this would happen. and i told you it would happen. so when you asked me out, i couldn't say yes immediately. i told you to get to know me more and maybe you'd realize it's just better as friends. not after all this. i'm not fucking designed for this. and i knew that after my first heartbreak.

ah i don't even know what i'm typing. most people probably write epic stuff, but i can't do it. this venting didn't help me as much as i thought it would.

if you're suffering like i am, know you're not alone.

ahh, it's mad boring. snuffles was supposed to come back this sunday, and then the next day would have been school, so we couldn't hang out. -.-

but he's coming back tuesday afternoon! :) mad excited.

and then after, we hang out on thursday and friday, and i might try and push for saturday and invite him to see 17 again with me and my close friend, but i'm not sure if it's supposed to be an "only us" thing. so we'll see what happens thurs and friday. thurs, we're gonna go to an arcade. kinda weird, lmao, but i still get to hang out with him. <3 and then friday, i'm gonna have lunch and play pool with him and some people i don't really know, and the girl i'm hanging out with on saturday.

i'm getting mad restless. so bored not talking to him.

oh, i guess i should talk about our aim conversations. first weird convo was when he asked me a hypothetical question: if it would be awkward if a friend told me that he had a crush on me? then the next day or something, he asks if i would make it awkward if he said he had a crush on me? so i was just like, guys don't really like girls like me. when i like someone, i would get mad quiet and nervous, so guys wouldn't like me. and then when i don't like the guy, i would talk to him like he's a girl--absolutely no flirting or anything. so there's no way a guy could like me.

and these convos keep coming up. like he tells me that he's not gay because he liked girls, and if he told me he liked me, would that prove that he's not gay?

okay, cut. i need an interjection. do i think he likes me? yes. but not that much. i really think he likes me because he hangs out with me too much. iono, i also don't like his answers to my friends. when they ask him if he likes someone, he says, "maybe, i don't know." and the bad thing is, i felt that before. with him. i don't want him to feel that way with me. i probably like him the same way, but i'm a weird girl so i like him more because of my obsessive nature. =/

i mean, he's a sweet guy. but... iono. maybe we're moving too fast. sometimes i feel like i talk to him like a girl, but since he's flirty, and i can be as well, my feelings magnify.

okay so today's convo. ah, we talked about exes, and he tried to get out the person i liked. he had three gfs, and i only had one. and then he said he'd tell me the other two, because i knew one, if i told him one. well, at first it was one for one, but that was a bad deal on my part, and he probably knew it was him. so eventually he told me them, and i gave him three hints (he had black hair, was really flirty, and really smart... got into Brown =.=). then he asked me what i would do if he asked me out, but i sorta ignored it. he asked me again, and i responded that i would wake up and go to school. XD

can't wait till he comes back. :D ugh, i feel mad restless not talking to him. and the twelve hour time difference sucks. but he wakes up at like 2 in the morning because of jetlag apparently?

i wonder what would happen when school ends. =/

so the day after the movie, we didn't talk until 4 o'clock, when he texted me asking what i was doing. we probably got through like... 2/5ths of my texting cap in half an hour.

the day after, monday, was a lot better. i got to hang out with him and my best friend after school. stayed in school until like... 7 o'clock. >_< and my friend had a five-page essay due. aww, i feel really bad now, haha. i had a big test too, in a class i was really failing in. my friend likes to hit on girls (she's a girl too), and she managed to make him agree that I was beautiful. XD omg, but I missed it. I think I zoned out. he kept taking my empty water bottle and pushing the end against my face.

ahh, i didn't talk that much though. i didn't know what to say. haha. it was mostly him and my friend trying to outwit each other, and i was happy that he would still want to stay three and a half hours with us. :)

and then tuesday was going to be his last day in school. >_< then wed he was leaving for china, and it would be my last day of school until spring break. :( so no hanging out with him. anyway, i looked kinda horrible that day, so i was planning on going home early, but he texted me during class, and i had a free, so i told him to pay attention, so he said, okay, i'll see you after school. and i looked bad, but i wanted to see him before he left. >_< so i told him i'd wait for him, and he said he'd buy me tea.

so after school, we took our tea and walked around barnes and nobles. and surprisingly, again, he asked me to play pool with him, which i was okay with because i got off my train there to take the bus, but it took him farther away from his house.

and okay, i have this really bad... characteristic, heh. i can't really lie that well. so when he asked me on the train if i liked anyone, i said yes. -.- so he proceeded to try and make me tell him for the next half hour. i think he knew it was him though, because i told him that he knew him, and if he guessed his name right, i'd say yes, but he wouldn't. so it was pretty obvious he knew T_T anyway, he taught me to play pool, and i was better at first, and got progressively worse. T_T but once, he positioned himself behind me to teach me how to shoot a ball. >_<

so that was before he left. i still have stories after he left, and my feelings towards him, but i'll write that later.

aww, so i got to where we were supposed to meet REALLY early, like 45 minutes. xD i was gonna go to barnes & nobles a block away to fix my hair, but as i was walking there, he said he finished so we could meet then. so i thought, oh crap, and asked him to give me five minutes. i think after seven minutes, i left lol. my hair wasn't complying with me. ^^;

at first, it was kinda awkward. he was doing most of the talking. every time it got silent, he would talk about something new. ugh, i'm not a good person to have conversations with. :(

when we met up with his friends, it got a lot better. prior to that day, i just really enjoyed his company. but he's just mad sweet. being the quiet girl i am, i had a hard time talking to his friends, so i'd trail behind. but then every time i did this, he would look for me to see where i went, then push me in front or walk alongside me.

oh yeah, i also like reminding him that he's attracted to guys, which he always denies. but he's really the kinda guy that flirts with guys and the guy that guys like to grope, then say no homo. anyway, on the train, his friend stood in front of him and put his hand on his shoulder, and i was like holding onto the pole in between them, so i let go and was like, "i shouldn't interrupt this." and his friend said, "yeah, right. she really wants to interrupt this. she's really jealous." and then snuffles kept having to put his hand on my back to make sure i didn't fall, because i fall even when i'm holding onto a pole. T_T oh, and there was this one time when i was holding onto the pole that he laid his chin on my arm and just looked up at me. mad cute. XD

and then i started acting mad immaturely. his ex came, and he didn't know she was coming. haha, i asked him if they went out, and he just like looked away saying no, then looked at me and said maybe. after that, i tried to distance myself from him, and i know that if she didn't come, during the movie, i would have put my head on his shoulder. instead, i sat like on the edge of my seat, furthest away from him.

it was really weird after though. like... i just missed his company. i didn't want to be apart from him. i was LOOKING FORWARD TO SCHOOL.

oh, yeah that day was sad. in class, before the teacher started teaching, he was at my desk, going through my bookbag. but he sits all the way across the room haha. next period was lunch, and sometimes we hang out, but this time i had to do hw, so... iono, i was really restless, looking forward to seeing him sixth period, and then i talk to him for two minutes, only to not see him anymore. it was really strange... i really hope he felt the same way.

it was like... disappointment. 'cause we're really like two magnets, and then when we got pulled apart, it was like something big was missing. and after reconnecting for a while, we're pulled apart again.

LOL i'm probably the only one who felt it. oh well. gotta go to manhattan. :)

i want to see snuffles again! i really miss his company. i will try to update soon. :)

i like a new guy now. LOL. don't worry; it's usually not this fast. freshman year, the only guy i liked was my boyfriend. for a month after sophomore year, i liked some druggie. and now is my first time liking someone.

i really hope i'm not rebounding though.

because he's a really sweet guy. everytime we walk together, he walks next to me so our arms are touching. he always holds the door for me, and he offered to hold my bookbag for me when it was heavy. i had dinner with him at nyu, and he met my cousins. haha, but i'm kinda scared he'll start liking my cousin. :( she's really, really pretty, and she's a great person, honestly.

well, i'll try and remember some stories. :)

oh, i'm watching a movie with him today, so i should leave soon. so i'll write a compilation about fluffy stories in a post soon. unless all does not go well today. ><

aw, today was nice. :) had dinner with family and brought along a guy friend. iono, i recently started talking to him, and he's actually really flirty towards girls, but not overly. not sure how i feel about him, but i'm glad i don't feel that hurt over the other guy anymore, even though sometimes i can't help but think about him. =/

whatever. his loss.

yeah, well... iono. xD he probably stopped liking me. my cousin is really pretty and she's a cool person, so he probably started liking her lmao. i love my self confidence. :)

eh, but it's probably true. like the whole day today, whenever we walked together, our arms were touching. and by the end of the school day, he kept pushing me around, putting his hands on my shoulders and stuff like that.

and then during dinner, we were still physically pretty close, and then at the end, he distanced himself. it was kinda funny, but ehh... iono, i'm sorta hoping he'd ask me to prom, but being the horrible person i am, i only want to go to make the other guy jealous. :|

but i had a good day. now to do my essay and study for my test. x.x

i'll survive. they're a weird couple anyway, says my friend.

i'm stronger than a lovesick girl. i don't need him to make me happy.

he's no this guy anyway. :) (drummer)

why? x__x why the hell do i still like you? i barely see you anymore, and usually it's okay, but then i can't help clicking on new pictures of you on facebook when it's just all over my news feed. psh... yeah, like that's the reason. =/

i think he got a gf. he had his hand on her waist? iono.

i was thinking about colleges last night, and i couldn't help but think i'd have this empty, lonely feeling if i got a boyfriend and he wasn't you.

i feel so pathetic. if i found this on another blog, i'd be like, move the hell on. no point wasting your feelings on someone you don't talk to anymore.

i have the SILLIEST crush on some guy i don't talk to. i like his legs. LMAO. he's not that tall. maybe 5'8, but his legs just fit into his shoes. okay. yeah, i'm weird.

it kinda started with him being in my group, and i didn't really like him, but i was helping him tape something, and i was trying to avoid his hands and he just kept touching it and i kept withdrawing my hand. XD but now i'm the one who's in love. i don't even know why. it's honestly just... i picked a guy and i like him.

i missed liking someone.

but... i knew him in soph year? and he sat diagonally from me and flirted with the girl on the other side of me. :(

ugh. this week is kinda sucking. did my monthly stalk the guy i like (i really... can't help it T_T) and it seems like he's having fun. hanging out with lots of girls. hanging out with the popular crowd. i need to stop. but how... i was so lucky because this never happened before. i didn't have a reason to be jealous.

and marking period is almost ending. yeah, second term senior, blah. teachers didn't give that many tests or projects (yet i'm still perpetually tired), so all my teachers are giving essays, tests, and projects this week. sucks.

ooh, and the bright spot of my week was reconciling with an old friend (ben). kinda had a misunderstanding before. i'm too honest sometimes, and i told him that i didn't want to see him everyday (yeah, i... nvm. i'm just an idiot) and he really took the hint and stopped talking to me b/c he didn't want me to hate him. so different from what my usual guy friends do, which is why i hate them so much. but ben's awesome. :D

and i'd really like to know him better. but i don't want him to think i like him.

is that egotistical? i really just want a really good guy friend. but i also want to see movies with him or hang out. just don't want to lead him on and have me hate him.

i kinda am though... but it's all innocent. i asked him to transfer to my class or just come visit me since his schedule is so flexible b/c i would be happy to see him. it's true though.

no. i can't use him.

okay, enough about guys. girl friends. one i got kinda pissed off at because she didn't listen to me. iono it'll sound shallow. and this post is getting too long anyway so maybe i'll write about it another time because she's my good friend and i was probably just moody at the time. well, i kinda made friends with this new girl this term, and we hang out after class, but i kinda ditch her to wait for my old friends. and when they don't show up, i go back to her.

gah. =/ i suck.

i want to talk to ben. but then i'll probably end up staying up until 2 again, unable to fall asleep until 4 and wake up at 6. don't fail me, self-control x.x

aww i missed my only good guy friend. just cleared up a misunderstanding and had a great conversation. i can't believe i stopped talking to him for a few months for no reason.

well... time to do hw. >_<